A Bipolar Christian: Extended Version Contents Introduction Main Discussion (2004)     Brief Description of Bipolar Cycles     Trying to Cope     Internal Conflict Relationships (2007) Origins of Bipolar Disorder (2007) Employment (2004) Clinging to Mania (2005) Introduction This is not an attempt to document or explain the different types of bipolar disorder, or how some of its characteristics can be categorized and labeled. I am simply sharing my thoughts and experiences, combined with information other people who are bipolar have shared with me. Brief Description of Bipolar Cycles Being bipolar wreaks havoc with your life. You generally think of improvement, whether that be during recovery or just building in general, as being a continual movement in a positive direction. This progression is usually labeled as moving "up" in the world, or moving closer to your objective or goal. I know everyone has ups and downs and setbacks. We aren't referring to those here. Manic depression is also known as bipolar disorder because a person's mood can alternate between the "poles" of mania (high, elevated mood) and depression (low, depressed mood). This change in the mood or "mood swing" can last for hours, days, weeks, or even months. For those of us who suffer from bipolar disorder, there is no such thing as continuity or consistency. There may be improvement and upward movement as a trend over a long period of time. But in the here-and-now, in day-to-day living, it seems like for every step forward we take, two steps backward are right around the corner. When manic, we start to build things, make plans, and begin projects. When we are depressed, we are too tired to care, too fuzzy-minded to follow through, and too confused to have any idea what it really is we are searching for. Through this frustration we may subconsciously, and possibly even knowingly, sabotage the momentum that had been won during the previous manic episode. Regardless of whether we contribute to this "break in the flow", it will happen one way or the other. Damage to progress is inevitable under these circumstances. Usually when I am down, I can’t remember what it is like to be up, and vice versa. Trying To Cope How can we cope with this roller coaster ride? For me, I first had to admit that it was not something a bottle of pills was going to fix in six weeks. I am not employed. I was approved for Social Security Disability earlier this year. We don't know why they approve an application, we just get a yes/no answer. But on the application, I put Bipolar Disorder, OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), General/Social Anxiety, PTS (Post Traumatic Stress), some loss of vision due to glaucoma, and loss of two inches of height due to osteoporosis. (My right eye can't read. With the compression in my spine, some physical labor is restricted.) (After I wrote this I learned I also had cataracts.) I just passed the one year mark of going to a community services organization for free mental health care, because I have no income or insurance. I am in the same category as street people! We go to the same facilities. I did have to sell my house, but I am living with my parents, so I do have a place to call home. (I received better care at the free clinic than at high-priced doctors on the insurance company’s list of providers.) I had to come to grips with the fact that I am no longer the highly competent business professional I used to be. Dave said this about me. "It is not the height of great successes that marks your victory, it is the fact that you get back up each time." There will be some great successes for me, regardless of the setbacks. But I have had to learn to give myself permission to fail. I don't mean to give up and stop (except temporarily). I mean that "no goal is worth killing my spirit because I cannot reach that goal". This is not an excuse to stop trying. But I certainly cannot beat myself up endlessly over things that are beyond my control. Yet, I still have to live with the consequences of what I did that I should not have done, and what I should have done, but did not. As an example, I can't take on a huge project that will require an extended effort to complete in a certain way, by a certain time. It is just too much. The ups and downs will cause me to lose hope that I can “keep at it" that long. Say my goal is to learn the alphabet. I can't tell myself I will embark on an adventure to learn 26 letters. What a momentous task! Instead, I will take on learning "A". Upon mastering that, I will take on learning "B". Maybe after I learn "C" I will have a relapse and have to return to "B". But I keep at it, one letter at a time. Eventually, I WILL make it to "Z". Even if I have to do it "my way", in a manner others would think too unconventional to acknowledge my accomplishment. Internal Conflict When I am on an even keel, I have one set of moral values. But when I am manic, I think of things I would never otherwise. Do I make excuses and say I am not guilty of wrongdoing because I have a chemical imbalance that drives me away from my normal standards? How much can I say is the disease, versus, well, I really wanted to anyway, the disease just gives me a way out? Did the disease just take away the inhibitions that hold back thoughts that were already there, just unexplored? These are questions no one can answer. When I am high, it seems nothing is considered wrong. However, not only do the highs put extra thoughts in my head, the high’s actually give me the courage to act on those thoughts. But when I come down, the guilt is horrendous, even if I had just thought about it without acting on it. And when I am down, I feel guilty for what seems like losing my faith and wanting to end it all. So how can I ask for forgiveness when I am past the point of knowing what is right or wrong? Or perhaps sometimes being made numb to standards, so that I become unresponsive to warning signals? Regardless of how things came to be, I still must try to accept responsibility for my actions. But the battle between the anxiety and the mania can tear me apart. The mania tells me to do something, while the anxiety says, oh, no, you’d better not. I ask myself, is the price I pay to keep the mania in check really worth it? To lock myself up (not institutionally) to avoid making “mistakes”? What is the tradeoff? Is it better to possibly give up some of my integrity to save my sanity, and grasp at some peace of mind? What part of living a full life do I miss when locked away? Relationships Bipolar disorder has an immense impact on relationships with other people. Long-term relationships are difficult because of the many ups and downs we experience. We are expected to be present for relationships to develop and grow. Perhaps a better term would be we are expected to be “available” to each other. But the cycles and dysfunctional effects of being bipolar can quite effectively strip away the framework for healthy relationships. Without spending time together, a relationship can come apart and fade away. Out of sight, out of mind. So a relationship may be weakened by disruptions of bonding time. And worse yet, you may do or say something stupid or out-of-line and are too embarrassed to go back again to pick up where you left off. (Or are afraid they won’t want you back because you have hurt or offended them.) Or you simply can't contribute as well as needed and you are swept away by someone who can be there more, someone who is more consistent, dependable, and reliable. There is great frustration because others can’t keep up with your physical level of activity or your thought processes. You are so impatient. You have hopes and dreams and they are holding you back. That’s when you’re up. When you’re down, they get frustrated with you because you can’t keep up with “normal” expectations. You think they are being unreasonable and placing too many demands on you. And they say antagonistic things to you like, “Just snap out of it”, as though it were that easy and simple to do. When you are up, you think “I can do it myself. I can handle it on my own.” When you are down, you think, “I need someone to take care of me. Life is too much for me to deal with alone.” You just can’t understand why others aren’t in sync or in tune with your way of thinking and doing things. It’s all so plain to you. Why can’t they get it? Origins of Bipolar Disorder Genetics can certainly play a role in the probability that a person will develop bipolar disorder, but a more important factor is that many people who are bipolar experienced abuse, trauma, and/or illness during childhood. Events can alter the chemical processes in our brains. We have fight-or-flight responses to situations. Our brains produce (or step up the production of) certain chemicals to deal with an immediate, temporary confrontation. But when the stressful circumstances continue over a period of time, the brain produces emergencies chemicals past the timeframe they were meant to handle. This extended period of altered production can cause long-term changes in the way the brain functions. So, even after the drama has stopped, the brain still thinks the trauma continues and maintains an abnormal level of certain brain chemicals. The observations I make here are also influenced by factors other than just bipolar disorder, such as anxiety disorders. But is seems when someone has one type of mental illness, another type is often present too. Attempting to treat one condition can actually trigger another, especially when prescription drugs are introduced. Employment I truly cannot work in a business environment for many reasons. I am able to function some now in a limited, self-controlled environment. But put me in a new environment, or alter this one, and... uh oh. When I am depressed I shut down, and experience many other things that interrupt my job performance. So I say, "What IS it that I can actually do?" Throw away the rigid stereotypes and restrictions society imposes on us. They cast us aside if even one indication of nonconformity is detected. Yet, we can outperform most conforming people already employed there. But they can't be bothered with allowing flexibility, to take advantage of what we CAN do. They just want to throw us in the dumpster for what they perceive to be a disadvantage because of what we CANNOT do. I can understand from an employer’s perspective that they “have to get the job done”. But I don’t understand why something can’t be worked out, instead of flushing valuable people down the toilet. Why is it that in so many professions there is no such thing as a part-time position? Clinging to Mania I have been reading about people clinging to mania because it makes them creative, productive, and just plain (fashionably at times) outrageous. I was this way. But I found a secret. I am taking the pills. I am doing to talk stuff. And I allowed my freedom to express myself to be hidden under a wet blanket. I no longer need to cling to mania to be creative, productive, or just plain (fashionably at times) outrageous. Some may consider medication to be a wet blanket, a damper on my ability to thrive, or simply a way to get all doped up. However, even in my medicated state (Wellbutrin, Lithium, Buspar, Lamictal, Seroquel), I have regained my freedom of expression. How? Quite simply put... anything I can do when I am OUT of control, I can also do when I am IN control. I am still the same person with the same capabilities, feelings, and emotions. So what is the secret? Don't concentrate so much on why you are "capable" when you are unstable (out-of-control). Instead, consider why you are "incapable" when you are stable (in-control). You need to gain enough self-confidence (and support from others) that you can give yourself permission to be more open (to both failure and success) when you are stable. Then some of the pressure to go crazy to achieve your goals will be relieved. To read more about how bipolar disorder can affect a life, visit Jeff's site, jeffnape.com: bipolar and beyond. Return to list of articles.